I know a lot of foreigners who complain they lack Japanese friends. Japanese people seeking friendship with foreigners without the ulterior motive of free English classes are rare gems. It is rarer still to find Japanese friends who will accept you. I’m not sure that it really has something to do with us, though.
A few months ago, I was helping a student with a speech about her friends, she was friends with people from the gym where she went, and she was friends with her son’s friends’ moms. But she wrote that these were “friends” that she just happened to be with at a certain time and were probably temporary. They didn’t really know the real her and she was sure she couldn’t share much with any of them. They were not really her friends but she was keeping in the harmony of Japanese society. She didn’t want to stand out as being the only one who didn’t hang out and call attention to herself. While she said they were all good people, her true friends were still people from high school whom she truly trusted and who understood her, accepted her and who could give her advice.
This illustrated to me a bit of Honne (本音) and Tatemae (建前), and how this greatly affects relationships with Japanese people. This is a phenomenon that a few foreigners are able to comprehend, however, and I am not qualified to even delve into its complexities. What I have heard is that, their outer masks don’t usually match up with their inner selves and they only show their inner selves to people they truly trust. It sounds really complicated, I know.
I wrote this blog because I have recently become friends with a Japanese “friend” from work. The whole time we’ve been working together, we never really got a chance to talk about things outside of work and/or the trivial things we have in common. We’re going through the same stuff right now and having someone to talk to has been nice for both of us. It surprised me to see how different she is from when we are at work. She and I are actually almost alike, especially in our ways of thinking… it’s a bit uncanny but I’m glad for the chance to be accepted and be shown a Honne.
Pirandello had a similar thesis in his book “uno, nessuno, cento mille” (one, no one, one hundred thousand) where he descrbe every person has having one mask for every person we know. There is one “me” for every single person that looks at me so in the end there truly is no one.
That might be related to Honne and Tatemae, I think he got a nobel prize for this book too.
I have many masks, one for my school-friends, one for my sports-friends, one for my parents, and even one for me. Everybody does in the end, consciously or not.
Thanks simaldeff!
That’s really interesting! Thinking about it, we all have different personalities when dealing with different people… although I guess it’s on a personal level and no one knows except for us, but here it’s on a national level, and an actual part of societal norms. It’s something ingrained in them from birth or something.
There are also side effects of this: hikikomori and parasite single (people who can’t fit in in society and who’d rather stay home).
Thanks for the interesting info, that book sounds really interesting!
I had never heard of the terms honne and tatemae, but I found your article interesting, and as Simaldeff said it, aware of it or not, we have different parts in us that we show depending on the degree of “closeness” we have with people. But, I think it’s something a bit problematic, when we think of friendship, what do we think exactly, what are our expectations from others ? If we think of the honne and tatemae, it can be a source of unpleasant interrogations, a question of the relationships we see as friendships.
Hi, Moka!
It is a bit problematic and a little too complicated to actually discuss, and probably better left at just that, something easier to just accept than comprehend. It can be a source of unpleasantness, as you said, but if we understand that it is part of Japanese society, it might be a little easier to live with…
Japanese society is slowly changing, however, and more and more people are starting to think differently about many things. Many of the old ways are also disappearing.
Thanks for the comment!
I’ve found your comments on Japanese friends interesting, i have ‘met’ many many wonderful people, very few have let me in to their lives outside of the bar, restaurant we meet.
I liken this to in Australia i had several hundred ‘friends’ meaning their numbers were in my phone but i had to start qualifying it with a few simple questions, do i know their full name first and last?, have i been to their house?, have i met with them socially outside of the bar or club in which we met?, do i know what they do for a job?. When failing to answer any of those its plain to see that although we know each other, we’re not really friends … in my opinion.
Lately and through persistance i’ve met more and more Japanese that i now get invitations from rather them, rather than me asking, for social outings day and night. Making an effort has been a great help and although there is a component of language assistance it’s most certainly both ways!
Honne and Tatemae and The Japanese Mind
In a recent session to educate both foreigners and the locals as to some differences between Japanese and Western Cultures we were told about “Honne and Tatemae”
Honne and Tatemae are Japanese words that describe recognized social pheno…
Thanks for the comments, Neil!
Your post on Honne and Tatemae is very accurate and very interesting. I’ve found myself in the same situation several times, but I’ve learned to just accept the whole thing as it is and not force myself to understand the whys and hows. It’s just part of Japanese society. I’ve made many friends here in Japan, too, and they all tell me how they sometimes don’t get their own customs and norms, either.
Making an effort, and being accepting are important, learning the language is optional but it can help make life easier here.